Connecticut student Austin Sanders is celebrating today after he became the first person in the United States of Amerikkka to be awarded with a Ph.D. in Advanced Atheism. While speaking to our reporter at his parent's home in Hartford, the 28 year old Magic: The Gathering enthusiast proudly stated that he was glad to have "paved the way" for other budding atheists.

"In many ways, I feel like Galileo or somebody else from history that was horribly oppressed by religion", said Sanders. "The Jews thought that they had it bad, but the Holocaust was a cakewalk in comparison to the shit that we atheists have to go through on a daily basis. I mean, everyone likes to think that America is some kind of free country or something, but in my experience, it's actually a corrupt theocracy."

On the topic of his dissertation, which was titled "Not sure if stupid or just Christian - The link between memes and rational thought", Sanders said that he had spent the past few years researching "various may mays and shit." "The Christian right will probably mock us and say that memes are stupid and childish, but what's more childish than having an imaginary friend?!" asked the free-thinking Connecticutensian. "The conservatives are petrified of the progress and the intellectual enlightenment that these thought-provoking image macros can bring. They're afraid that one day, little Jimmy and little Sara will stumble across an advice animal that shatters their ridiculous religious beliefs."




8 comments:

  1. Oh fuck no dis idiot did not compare MILLIONS of peopel getting killed to being told you are an asshole for not belving in god ... I hope he is hit by a car

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    1. Ironically you dipshit, some atheists actually act like hence why this site was created. Being told you're an idiot for believing that something comes from nothing isn't persecution just in case any atheist with a persecution complex is reading this. Many of the atheists from r/atheism act as if their non-belief in a god makes them intellectual superior to deists, theists and agnostics. Everyone just views them as deluded idiots, they're of the same breed as a creationist really.

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  2. If hes the face of anti faith call me a jehova witness

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  3. It's satire people. Relax and smile.

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  4. its k this guy plays league of legends

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  5. I will be starting a petition for this amazing gentlesir to receive the Congressional Metal of Honor for his bravery in combating a overwhelming hostile force (aka, funDIEs) in the pursuit of science and freedom. (As a libertarian minarchist and classical liberal (that means like the Adam Smith kind...I like to call myself that to confuse today's "liberals" XD) I don't think the government should do a lot or spend a lot but this is DEFINITELY worth doing. He is a hero and our country should honor him like a hero instead of sending that money to a bunch of magical sky-fairy believers overseas.

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