There was an outpouring of grief today as underhanded Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that his social network had purchased the popular soft drink Mtn Dew. While speaking at a press conference at the company's headquarters in Menlo Park, California, Zuckerberg told reporters that his acquisition of the household brand represented his "new vision for the future."

"I'm excited about the changes that we plan on making", sneered the immoral businessman, as a sizeable amount of outraged gentlesirs in the audience began to hurl anti semitic slurs at him. "For far too long, what we drink and what we share with our friends online have been two very different things. In the very near future, I intend to change all of that."

As Facebook stormtroopers maced and mercilessly beat the group of brave neckbeards that had shown up to protest the change of ownership, Zuckerberg laughed and pointed, before instructing the security guard beside him to "go and kick that fat ass with the Slayer t-shirt in the face." After the fracas had died down and the last unconscious protester had been dragged out of the conference hall, the Internet entrepreneur smirked and returned to outlining his nefarious plans for the soft drink.

"Today, I am glad to announce that Mtn Dew will be the first carbonated drink to require a Facebook login," stated Zuckerberg. "Imagine a world where your friends are told about every sip that you take. Imagine a world where the amount of Mtn Dew that you consume is automatically posted to your Facebook page. Imagine a world... where every single mouth full is instantly shared with your friends." When asked about how the login process would work, Zuckerberg said that all cans and bottles would come equipped with a mini finger print machine. "Thanks to the good folks over at the NSA, who gave us the technology for free, we at Facebook will be able to completely revolutionize the login process by shifting our focus towards a fingerprint authentication system. Basically, email addresses and passwords will become a thing of the past. As soon as you purchase an ice cold can of Mtn Dew, you will be able to login to your favourite social network by simply placing your finger on the side of the can. It will be that simple."

After being quizzed about his plans for Oculus Rift, the virtual reality head-mounted display that Facebook purchased a couple of days ago, Zuckerberg laughed and said "I had actually forgotten about that. I'll probably let the technology rot, to be honest. Time spent playing silly games is time that users could have spent viewing advertisements on my website."


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