Morbidly obese teenager Noah Ward has hit out at the United States Department of Education today by stating that gym class is "completely pointless" and that it should be replaced by classes on "logic and science and other intellectual shit like that." The Milwaukee high school student, known locally as Jabba the Gut, refused to pull any punches in what can only be described as a scathing attack on the American education system. "The only people that actually enjoy gym class are meat heads and dumb ass jocks", wheezed the 16 year old. "Why not dedicate that time to Math and Science classes instead? It's completely wasteful! This is why Amerikkka is no longer the super power that it used to be."

In response to Ward's blistering criticism of an education system that has clearly failed the children that it was supposed to nurture, the US Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan, said that gym class played "a vital role in the health and well-being of the student body." "There have been a lot of studies about this", remarked the slippery politician, who was clearly lying through his teeth. "Studies have shown, time and time again, that physical education has a wide range of benefits, both mental, and physical. If you were to ask students what they'd prefer, I think you'll find that many of them would side with me on this particular issue."

However, Ward was quick to refute Duncan's argument, claiming that he had evidence that proved otherwise. "On my Minecraft server, I carried out a survey on the issue. According to the results, 90% of the six people I interviewed would prefer gym class to be completely abolished. As for 'these studies' that Mr Duncan is blabbering on about, I think it's pretty clear to anyone with two brain cells to rub together that you can't trust what the mainstream media tells you."





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