Michael Simmons isn't your typical teenager. While the rest of his peers are out YOLO'ing and listening to consumerist pop music, Simmons spends his days inside, painstakingly researching ways to cure a disease that has blighted humanity for over 2000 years. "It isn't easy", admits the high school student. "As soon as I wake up in the morning, I instantly jump onto Reddit's atheism subreddit, which is basically a secret online club where scientific researchers such as myself can go to share valuable information about the disease."

When asked if he regrets giving up the best part of his teenage years to devote his time to such a cause, Simmons begins to wistfully stare off into the distance. "You know, there was a time when I thought that I could live the life of a normal teenager. Maybe I'd court a fair lady or two. Or maybe I'd drink a fine bottle of scotch and attend a promenade with my would-be chums. It would have been quite the ball!", he laughs, before his smile fritters away. "However, that time has long since passed me by. I've now come to accept the fact that men like me don't get to choose the path that has been thrust upon them. Men like me have to stay the course and remain brave in the face of adversity."

As the conversation progresses and we begin to talk about his research and the role of the mainstream media in keeping the truth hidden, Simmons begins to clench his jaw in anger. "The cure for Christianity has been known for hundreds and hundreds of years!", he shouts, just as his mother enters the room with a tray full of lemonade. "The mainstream media have kept it under wraps for years, just so they can protect the religious corporatocracy and the Republicans and the Pope. In fact, you were the first media outlet to take me seriously! The rest of them just fobbed me off and told me to stop contacting them. One reporter even threatened to call the police if I bothered him again." When asked if he could tell us what the cure was, Simmons paused for a second, before saying "You know what? Maybe you should ask Dr. Fabien Befort at the University of Rhode Island. Or better yet, maybe you should ask him why he and the rest of his corporate puppets laughed at me when I presented them with my research."




After we said our goodbyes to Michael, we made our way to the University of Rhode Island, where we got to meet the corrupt doctor that had suppressed the truth about the cure for Christianity. "To be honest, I think that you guys have been hoodwinked by a kid that has too much time on his hands", said Befort. "When he met with me, he didn't have any evidence of anything", lied the corporate lackey. "For twenty painful minutes, my colleagues and I sat here and listened to him ramble on about the importance of logic and science. When I got bored and asked him how logic was the cure for Christianity, he claimed that he was just an ideas man and that he didn't like to get bogged down in details. In fact, the only physical piece of 'evidence' that he gave me was a printed-out meme with Carl Sagan's face on it. It was completely ridiculous."

After he had finished giving us the runaround, Dr. Fabien Befort asked us to leave his office, stating that he had a busy schedule. It was obvious that he knew we were getting too close to the truth.

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