The other day, I was submitting Think Progress articles to r/Politics on Reddit when an abrasive ragamuffin accused me of being a Christian. Outraged at his blatant attempt to smear my good name, I decided to trawl through his account history, looking for any bit of personally identifiable information that I could dox him with (me and my cousin used to be in the hacker group Anonymouse, so he was incredibly unlucky to have drawn the focus of my ire). Anywho, I was 28 pages deep into his comment history when I got sidetracked by an MLP-related submission, which had been posted to an obscure subreddit by the name of "Circlejerk". "What is this place?", I wondered to myself as I wiped the sweat from my brow and adjusted my fedora.



As soon as I landed on the front page of Circlejerk, I instantly knew that it was a place where some of the top minds collaborated and routinely outsmarted the most well funded, well equipped and diabolical organizations on earth. Knowing that I had found my new home on the epic Interwebz, I instantly contacted the moderation panel and asked them a few questions.

How do you feel about the proliferation of crypto currencies such as LeNewMemeNiceMayMayManCoin?


K_Lobstah: Crypto currencies are already obsolete. I've already completed my personal conversion to a Barter Economy. I've been collecting Nintendo DS's and vintage Mountain Dew bottles for years.

ExParteVis: I approve. I like the idea of decentralized currencies, and adding on that the anonymity that cryptocurrencies provide, you get a post-humanist-anarchist's dream

BarbatisCollum: I fought hard against launching LNMNMMMC because I don't want to end up in legal hot water, but oh well, looks like I lost that argument.

JasonGD1982: I support all crypto currencies.

DFGdanger: Bitcoin is too mainstream and has too many weaknesses which you can read about anywhere online. Initially I had hoped like everyone that Dogecoin would make it to da moon, but my hope has been waning lately. Fedoracoin is dead to me. LeNewMemeNiceMayMayManCoin provides an elegant solution to the problems of all these cryptocurrencies in a lightweight browser-based experience. I will be investing heavily in it.

supergauntlet: serious answer? cryptocurrencies have a place. Bitcoin probably doesn't.

LeSweden: Cryptos are the future. I believe that the only way to fight against government corruption is to invest in internet money. If you want to help in the fight, exchange all the money in your bank account to LNMNMMC or Dogecoin or whatever crypto you like and destroy all corporate consumerist bullshit (like your iPhone). Make sure to record a video of it with your phone so we can all pat you on the back.

What's your go-to outfit for dating fair maidens?


K_Lobstah: I have a Breaking Bad/Walking Dead/Half-Life hybrid cosplay that never fails to deliver all of the attention from strangers that I crave.

BarbatisCollum: Leopard-printed fedora + black suit + grey tie.

ExParteVis: Me and my girlfriend usually go to the park or hiking in the woods, so something that my body can breath in.

DFGdanger: I usually only go on dates at Magic: The Gathering tournaments, so usually an "I'd Tap That" T-shirt and some sweatpants that show off my asscrack just right.

supergauntlet: Trenchcoat, cargo pants and a fedora, obviously.

JasonGD1982: Usually just my work clothes.

LeSweden: Women appreciate a well dressed man. I make sure to wear a tailored, 1940's era pinstripe suit with a matching trilby (not a fedora, get it right) with brown leather shoes that I thrifted for only 25 bucks (Thanks MFA!). I usually choose what restaurant we go to because I have an advanced pallet and trust my judgement in cuisine and ladies tend to not know what they want anyway. She pays though. There's not reason I should have to pay the bill just because feminist society tells me to.

If you could make one law, what would it be?


dhamster: They should make BEING A COP illegal.

K_Lobstah: Everyone who wants to have a kid must get an IQ test. If their combined IQs are less than 300, they are chemically sterilized. If their combined IQs are less than 280, both people are executed.

BarbatisCollum: I would make it illegal for a gentlesir to be placed in the friendzone by a female.

DFGdanger: I would internationalize many of Sweden's laws, but if I had to pick one I'd say "No friendzoning."

LeSweden: Mandatory sterilization for anyone with inferior genes. This includes anyone with a mental illness or who is more prone to neurodegenerative diseases like dementia or Alzheimer's. I'm not a medical expert, although I have studied a lot of texts in my own free time on the subject and I believe that Religious people are mentally ill are under the same category of dementia. I think they should qualify for sterilization under this new law because, honestly, fuck them. They are the major contributor to the general decline of IQ in our society and are basically destroying it as a whole.

supergauntlet: equal rights for all people. I know this would be a problem in a while when intelligent robots start being a thing but I think we'd be alright for a little while.

JasonGD1982: Marijuana would be federally legal in all states like it is here in Washington.

ExParteVis: I'd put a cap on how many cows farmers can own, and a tax break for using that land for growing non-corn/soy/wheat vegetables. Cows do a lot of damage to the envrionment, make us unhealthy consumers and aren't humane for cows. Additionally, we've become corn, soy and wheat dependent. We need to diversify our diets.




How do you feel about the corporatocracy of America and the military industrial complex?


K_Lobstah: I refuse to answer this because of the NSA monitoring my activity on reddit.

BarbatisCollum: >implying the corporations and military-industrial complex aren't one in the same

DFGdanger: As a Canadian, I feel sorry for America.

supergauntlet: >implying

ExParteVis: I can't wait for every corporation and government-entity to fall.

LeSweden: I think we should cut military funding completely and up NASA's funding for space exploration. It should literally be illegal that we're not already doing this.

What social custom do you despise?


K_Lobstah: Tipping waiters.

BarbatisCollum: Tipping for service. The only tipping I do involves my hand and my hat.

DFGdanger: Paying for music, movies, and software.

ExParteVis: All of them. Each custom should be decided on by its own merits. Ludwig von Mises once said something to the affect of "throwing out a custom because it's tradition is foolish. Keeping it because it's tradition is even more so".

supergauntlet: ass credit pls go

JasonGD1982: Flushing toilets.

LeSweden: Religion.

What do you wish was more socially acceptable?


K_Lobstah: Wearing my MLP backpack to work.

BarbatisCollum: Not showering.

DFGdanger: Communicating in meme format

supergauntlet: r u kidding me m8

ExParteVis: Open relationships, probably.

JasonGD1982: Smoking cigarettes.

LeSweden: Atheism.

What is your favourite food?


K_Lobstah: I don't eat food because I'm not a consumerist sheep. I mine vitamins from the ground and grind them up into a paste which I then mix with water and drink up like gruel.

BarbatisCollum: Cheetos. Is that even a question?

ExParteVis: I like those little crackers you can get at pizza hut. They're sweet.

DFGdanger: Bacon. Is that even a question?

supergauntlet: >british spelling

LeSweden: I prefer a fine red wine from various cultured places like Italy and France as well as a premium steak. No seasoning or sauce. Just a fine cut that really brings out the taste of the meat.

2 comments: