Prolific /r/politics poster Matthew Patterson was rushed to hospital last night after a round of heavy back-patting left the teenager with a series of horrendous spinal injuries. The San Francisco native, who labels himself as a Post-Anarchist Libertarian Futurist with liberal socialist ideals, was left fighting for his life last night after he spent the better part of his evening grandstanding on Reddit's /r/politics subreddit.

"He was really going at it", remarked one Redditor. "I mean, seriously - I consider myself to be a big hitter, but this dude was touching on everything from Edward Snowden to the legalization of marijuana - all in one sitting. At one point, he was receiving so many upvotes that people started calling out for the redistribution of karma." The Reddit user, who refused to be named, said that Patterson "probably would have been OK had he not decided to push the circlejerk into orbit by writing a 2000-word comment about how corporations are not people."

Although Patterson is now believed to be in a stable condition, there are doubts as to whether the teenager will be able to walk again, with one doctor telling reporters that it was far too early to tell. "At the moment, we're just waiting for the swelling to go down", stated Doctor Jose Gonzalez, who is an orthopaedic surgeon at the San Francisco General Hospital. "The spinal damage brought on by back-patting varies according to the subreddit involved and the extent of the upvotes. Unfortunately, we'll have to wait a week or two before we discover the true extent of the injuries."

We at Neckbeard News will provide more on this story as we get it.




4 comments:

  1. This site and RT are the only news an enlighten sir like myself needs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What about gaming news and le latest meme updates?

      Delete
    2. "probably would have been OK had he not decided to push the circlejerk into orbit"

      This is gold.

      Delete