Today, doctors at the Pennsylvania Hospital in Philadelphia announced that they had treated the nation's first documented case of 2Edgy4U, an ailment that is believed to cause spontaneous bleeding in Internet activists and neckbeards alike. While speaking at a scheduled press conference this morning, Chief Physician Dr. Jane Woodward revealed to reporters that a young man in his late teens had arrived at the facility the night before and that he had presented a number of symptoms that were consistent with the disease. "When our EMTs brought the fuckwit in, his hands were bleeding profusely and he was rambling on and on and on about how society should be destroyed", said Woodward, as she fought back the urge to roll her eyes. "By the time we had gotten him into the emergency room, he had told us that 9/11 was an inside job and that religious people were incapable of logical thought. Speaking from a purely personal perspective, it was amazing to watch somebody speak so much bullshit in such a short period of time."

Woodward then went on to describe the difficulties of treating people with 2Edgy4U. "Make no mistake about it. This is an extremely difficult disease for medical staff to deal with", she stated. "At one point, one of our nurses became so tired of listening to him spout off tedious sound bytes about the war for oil in Iraq and the military industrial complex that she passed out from fatigue." "One of our doctors tried to strangle the patient on three separate occasions. His urge to kill the annoying little shit became so strong and so defined that he had to be restrained by several security personnel. During the fracas, I even managed to throw in a few sneaky kicks of my own", laughed the doctor.




We at Neckbeard News managed to get in touch with the victim, who refuses to be named because of his senior role in the underground Internet hacker group Anonymouse. While speaking to us via Skype, the self-proclaimed hacktivist gave us a brief summary of what had happened the night before. "I was in the process of taking a selfie of myself wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and a pentagram t-shirt when I felt a strange sensation in my hands", recalled the teenager. "When I looked down, I saw that my hands were cut and that I was bleeding like crazy. At that point, it was pretty clear that I had somehow managed to cut myself on my own edge", sighed the embarrassed teen. "In the future, I think I'll try to pace myself a bit more..."

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