The latest Snowden leak has revealed that the US military is currently researching ways to friendzone enemy combatants. According to a fresh release of classified military documents, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has been actively pursuing research into the area for over a decade.

Edward Snowden wearing a fedora
The secretive project, codenamed MLADY (Military Lady Attracting Private Youths), was set up back in 2002 when senior intelligence figures realized its potential as a tool for psychological warfare.

"The military began to conduct field tests in the summer of 2004", stated Edward Snowden, who was gracious enough to grant us an interview. "A small unit of highly-trained Scumbag Staceys was dispatched into Herat, Afghanistan, where it successfully infiltrated the local Taliban and friendzoned a number of their key operatives." "This act of psychological warfare sent the Taliban into disarray", remarked the former NSA contractor. "Their strategists were so focused on trying to woo our undercover agents that they completely disregarded the war effort against the imperialistic pigs from the west."

military scientist
The brave whistle-blower then went on to make a shocking personal revelation. "For me, project MLADY was the straw that broke the camel's back. I could deal with the spy sh*t because it was pretty cool in a James Bond 007 meets Mission Impossible kind-of-way. However, what I couldn't deal with was an organization that was so inhumane, it considered misandry as a viable military tactic."

In response to the leak, Al-Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn has come out and lambasted the US for "taking things too far." "Sure, we've done some pretty bad stuff in the past. But this? This just takes the cake. America should be ashamed of itself."


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